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Am I fatist? Why have I done this?
I’m not fatist, but rather fat.
I’ve done this because I’m frustrated that certain really good players are not near national sides because of their shape. Sometimes this is justified; Yuvraj Singh, perhaps, has only himself to blame. Samit Patel and Mark Cosgrove have been badly treated. Size does not meanyou cannot bat. Ask Inzamam-ul-Haq. Aravinda De Silva. Mark Taylor. Darren Lehmann. It doesn’t even mean you can’t bowl. Botham, Flintoff, and Warne have all (at times) sported a few extra pounds. So here then, is my list of currently playing cherished fatties from all around our lovely planet. Embrace the pie with them, for cricket revels in variety.
| Name | “Roll” | Mug |
| Mark Cosgrove (South Australia) Captain+Batsman |
Often seen on the telly in domestic competitions. Lives for drinks breaks. Weighs more than the entire Zimbabwe team. |  |
| Jesse Ryder (Central Districts) Batsman+Dobber |
Once had a growth spurt so fast that he broke a window and cut his hand. |  |
| Yuvraj Singh (Punjab) Occasional Batsman |
Can gain weight even faster than me. Can lose weight via the power of his mind. That is why he is fat. Can be often be spotted wallowing the outfield. |  |
| Robery Key (Kent) Red-nosed Batsman |
Eats plenty of chillies to keep his nose cherry red. Once ate an entire U-11 cricket team during a tea break. |  |
| Ian Blackwell (Durham, ex-Somerset) Batsman+spinner |
Fled to the north once he discovered their penchant for deeep fat frying. |  |
| Samit Patel (Nottinghamshire) Batsman+spinner |
Prefers eating curry to fitness training. This is hard to imagine. |  |
| Shahzaib Hasan (Karachi Zebras) Batsman |
He enjoyed healthy returns in his début first-class season, scoring 607 runs in 10 matches. Subsequently he enjoyed unhealthy returns to his favourite restaurant. After which both he, and his form, spluttered. |  |
| Daniel Smith (New South Wales) ‘Keeper |
Guardian of the fridge. Can be trusted to look after the food of others, providing he isn’t hungry. |  |
| Grant Lambert (New South Wales) Fast Bowler |
Eats 3 pies every time he takes a wicket. If he bowls a pie, he forfeits tea+cakes. |  |
| Ramesh Powar (India Blue) Spine Blower |
Occasionally used as a pitch roller. Wears terrific, but inedible, sunglasses all day. |  |
| Shoaib Akhtar (Agriculture Development Bank of Pakistan) Fast Wart Thrower |
Famously hid genital warts by coverring them a thick layer of fat. |  |
| Twitter Fail-Whale (Internet) 12th mammal |
Escaped from Japan. Provides extra blubber for the team. Giant mouth. |  |
| Duncan Fletcher (Rhodesia) Coach+Couch Combo |
Fitness fanatic. More chins than brain cells. |  |
| Dwayne Leverock (Bermuda) Chef |
The most important member of the team. After retiring from the playing the game he ate his entire country which got them excluded by the ICC. In despair, he turned to cooking. |  |
| Arjuna Ranatunga (Sinhalese Sports Club) Badministrator |
A leviathan among giants. Often seen walking to work – never running. Eats a baby elephant every day at 10:15am. |  |
Additional fat seeking help provided by BettiWettiWoo,Omair Zahid, Crownish, and Anoukh. I think I was sub-consiously inspired by this from CWBfeed. Many thanks to you all, and indeed to anyone who managed to scroll down this far.
