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Please be advised, my language is prone to deterioration
at times of extreme pressure, like this event. Sorry 😦

My tweets are on the left, explanatory comments are grey in brackets,
re-tweets are on the right.  Let’s go!

Djerkovic yet to win a point, he’s clearly hopelessly out-classed. #USopen.

Amazing from @Swannyg66 #EngvSAt20
Grace Duffy @xgrace
(Graeme Swann takes a wonderful one-handed catch, not at the US  Open.)

 Not a single point won on serve yet. #USopen.

Until now. #GoAndy.

The bad Murray … bit of brilliance, then throw it away. #USopen.

Whatever the length of the cricket match, England will still drop Amla. #ENGvSA.
(What was I thinking? Switching over to the cricket, really?)

Amla wouldn’t frustrate me so much if England didn’t keep dropping him. Grrr.
(more cricket, don’t worry, it won’t last!)

Andrew, please cut the fuck out those enforced errors. #Sorry. #USopen.

Unforced … bloody auto correct.

Djerkovic has played crap, yet leads 2-1. Not a good sign for MAndy. #USopen.

Murray serving into the sun and blinking furiously as he steps away to
gather himself. If only he had a cap that stays on his head. #usopen
Dan Quarrell @Dan_Eurosport
(Murray ‘s cap flew off in the previous round!)

 Some sort of order now please, gents. #USopen.

He’s stopping me play games, but given that he’s a stray, I don’t mind …

If Djokovic wins this set, it will feel like he’s gotten away with murder. #USopen.

Rain in the cricket. Maybe I can focus on Murray now!

Lol … Djokovic.

Serves Gruntovic right. Uh ah oh.
(Three distinct phases to the new Djokovic grunt, never heard it from him before, very werid and extremely annoying!)

Aw, Novak has poorly knees! #USopen.
(After sliding, he has tiny matching knee-burns.)

Djokovic is so clutch.
Umar @Umar_Khan10
(I don’t know what that means either, but I chortled.)

 And Murray’s slam goes into the net.

Djokovic’s grunting is putting me off and I’m just watching. #USopen. Ridiculous.

Please tell me this is best of one set. I am in bits.

I want my mum. #USopen.

In your grunting face Djokovic. Nobody said I had to be impartial. #USopen.

In your grunting face Djokovic. Nobody said I had to be impartial. #USopen. Hahahaha.
(Yeah, I enjoyed it so much I said it twice.)

Judo needs to run down and slap Murray, make sure he starts FAST this set. Federer would #pounce having lost or won that set.

Judi. Bloody auto correct. Judi, damn it.
(Actually, I’m a double-idiot – her name is JUDY!)

That moment when you think everyone is ignoring your tweets … then you make a mistake 🙂

Djokovic getting ready for an injury retirement and a good moan … his real top skills. #USopen.

Too scared to look …  #andTheySayCatsDontLikeTennis.

I am shattered. Chance of sleep? A big fat zero. #USopen.

Lendl looking tense, excited, chewing his nails. OK, I’m lying. He’s more emotional when farting. #USopen.

Yeah, love it! QT @monkeypawgames: Space shooter fans shouldn’t miss #GaiaSeed on #PSN w/ an amazing soundtrack: http://youcanplaythis.com/ycpt-gaiaseed/  — #PS3
(Huh, what? That’s not about the tennis!)

Djokovic, please keep making me laugh. #USopen. #UnforcedErrors.

I am going to give Murray a Glasgow kiss. You know, a head-but. I love him that much.

Tim @tennistem

 And Djokovic wins the second set. #FutureTweetFromMyWorstNightmare.

Sorry if you don’t like tennis folks, but if I restrict this tweeting to grand slam finals, you should be OK.

Andrew, you need a Jedi mind slap again.

Come on Andy, get this set and I can listen to the 3rd in bed on the radio. Highlights taped. Taped?! Sure, why not.

Henman was always a little better than Murray. Because I said so. #Fact.

If Murray wins this, he’ll go from Scottish, through British, and wind up English.

Geoffrey’s mum could have beaten Djokovic today. Murray still hasn’t won a real slam. And other bullshit.
(Geoffery’s mum – the mother of a famous cricketer whose son keeps telling us how she could do better than this rubbish lot. She could bat with a stick of celery.)

I am burning myself out, hope Murray has more in the tank than I do.

Does Murray have South African roots? #Choker.

Dear Djokovic, knob the eff off.

Murray has recently made more unforced errors than Mark Petchy has teeth.
(Mark Petchy, who I normally like, has a face that looks like a piano got stuck in it.)

I’m blaming this all on Mark Petchey.
Hannah @hannah_itfc

I hate when I’m doing well in a match, and then I start  thinking
about how I’m gonna spend my winnings, and then I suck.
Rachel Bird @TheSportBird

 Novak bouncing again. Give me strength.
(When stressed he bounces the ball between 20 and 6,000 times – I like it not.)

I was -37 when a Brit last won a slam, I can’t wait that ling again. #GoAndy.

You forgot beautiful! QT @seismicshed: C’mon you sour faced bastard

These two guys are fairly useful. Federer is glad he lost in the semi. #USopen.
(Of course, I really meant the quarter finals!)

That’s it Andy, boss the buger in blue!

Bugger. I can’t spell. At all.

If Murray wins in three, there is no way back for Novak. #Fact.

What’s the time? Oh, it’s I don’t give two shits o’clock. #USopen.

Djokovic is sliding as much as Kim Clijsters on ice. #USopen.
(Worldy renown for stretchy legs.)

Djokovic pulls out the roar, Murray unimpressed. So juvenile, that Novak.

Hahaha, Murray’s reaction.
Tim @tennistem

Okay, yeah. That rally was the shit so you can act like a beast
for 3 seconds, Nole. But that’s it.
Rachel Bird @TheSportBird

 Since when has a break meant anything in this match so far? #USopen, get a grip people!

Mark Petchy. Please be quiet.

New discovery: cats cannot jump off a swivel chair and retain their dignity.

Merlin isn’t worried about a 4th set …

Djokovic leads 17-16. Game score. Most pointless tennis stat ever. #USopen.

Bad Andrew.

At this grand-slam-final rate of improvement, Murray will win the #AusOpen … in 2017.

I’m staying up, but it’s not because of the tennis.
It’s because of your tweets.
Tim @tennistem

Harder Novak, harder – bash your head harder. Here, use this chair.
(In frustration at an unforced error, he was hitting his head far too gently.)

That’s it Murray. We’re through. I’m off to bed … with a radio. #USopen.

Would love Lendl to stand up and start fist pumping.
Nows the time. Fire up andy!
Sarah Borwell @sarahborwell

Please Andy, spare us!!! QT @tennistem: If Djokovic wins surely he’s going to rip off his shirt again or do some other tasteless shit.

(Yet another insanely good rally, probably of around 50 shots or so.)

Novak has now won 10 of the last 13 games 😦 #USopen.

Apparently US tely is upset Andy Murray is swearing.
Forget guns, it’s Scottish men cursing that is the true evil in the USA right now
Adam Carroll-Smith @ACarrollSmith

Murray and Djokovic trying to pull a Tendulkar and kill twitter.

For those concerned, Wickmayer leads Riske 5-3 in Quebec.
(Not surprisingly, no-one else knew there was another game of tennis going on.)

Only Murray can look this good and … no. Just no.
(I couldn’t say the unthinkable I wasn’t considering.)

If he wins of course, he’ll be the first British winner since 6000 BC.
Tim @tennistem

 If Henman had won a grand slam, Murray would have had this one sewn up by now. The power of mental baggage.

That’s it. 5th set. Can’t tweet anymore. Too tired. Good luck everyone. Except Novak.

Murray complacent now. #BigFatNot. #USopen.

Ravi Bopara still leading on my BBC Sports personality score-sheet.
(Sorry. When I’m terrified my mind wanders and finds comfort in sarcasm.)

Just to remind you, even if, this slam won’t count in the British media because MAndy hasn’t faced Rafa or Roger. #BritPsyche101.

This is the best tennis I’ve seen in years….#grippingstuff
SEGAotaku @SEGAotaku

Murray needs to find his inner Afridi.
(The lovable mad cricketer from Pakistan should only harnessed in dire circumstances.)

‘Retrieving the impossible’ #Murray #usopen
Dan Quarrell @Dan_Eurosport

I can’t look. No, really. I have a radio. #USopen.

Please be careful! QT @Sarah_Taylor30: Come on Murray!!! It’s your time surely!!!

Stopppittttt!!! QT @TheSportBird: Guess what? Andy Murray’s gonna win the US Open!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If … by some Kipling chap, not the cake dude, the other one.
(I have clearly lost it, not that I ever had that much.)


Fuck you, said the pendulum.
(Djokovic breaks back to shut people up!)

The Commonwealth’s Andy Murray is on the verge of a great win
Sports Freak @Sportzfreak
(Dude from NZ trying to claim some of Andy, love it!)

 Some BBC radio dude thinks that waking up & not knowing a sporting result is worse than the plague. He has a point.

Usain Bolt, you are not my sporting hero. #USopen.
(10 seconds just does not cut it mate, give me FIVE hours!)

Murray just needs 10 big first serves.

Murray holds to love. Fair to say I think we all needed that.
Dave Tickner @tickerscricket

 Not many Novak fans on my timeline.
(Understatement, don’t think there’s even one!)

Djokovic loves to play act. Don’t believe it.

Andy has always has the skills. This will, we hope, prove that to everyone.

Novak classy as ever. Twat face.
(At 5-2 down in the 5th, calls for a timeout, probably for cramp which you’re not allowed to do.)

Murray should request a massage too … seriously.

Go Andy! I always believed in you!
Tim @tennistem

4 aces please so I can stop cleaning the kitchen.
Starting to get high on the cleaning fluid fumes!
Sarah Borwell @sarahborwell

 Eyes glistened, no tears. I am a man.

Stop being gracious Novak, you’re the villain.
(At least he was proper nice in his after-match speech, good mates these two; no, really!)

Great Scot! etc.
Tim @tennistem

Did Murray really say he’ll buy every Scottish resident a whisky? Decent chap.
(Yes, I lied, but I was thirsty all of a sudden.)

I couldn’t sleep before the match, no way I could sleep during it, and I certainly can’t sleep now. #Buggered.

Goodnight all, the monkey is finally of the back of Murray.

It’s OK Lendl, you can fart now.
(Still no hint of life in the man, it simply must be trapped wind.)

the morning after

Time since a Brit last won a grand slam: 1 day.

I don’t think Murray could have done it without the support and love of Piers Morgan. #USopen.

Seemingly, Murray’s utterly fantastic victory will be celebrated up in Scotland with 76 years of rain.