X-Dazedly Ray – Worst Game Ever

Tags

Extra Deadly Ray, Stained Underpants, Unprecedented Filth, Worst Ever, X-Dazedly Ray, XDR

X-Dazedly Ray (XDR) is the worst game ever made for SEGA’s lovely Megadrive. Most agree that it is the very worst shoot’em up of all time. I like shoot’em ups, I do not like this. On normal mode, the game is virtually impossible. On easy mode the game is frustrating, awful to look at, painful for the ears, and basically stupid.

The sound effects (almost thankfully) cut out channels of the main “tune”, the explosion sounds of enemies are all the same, the sound of your bullets is dull or shrill (weapon dependant), colours are harsh and can obscure bullets and enemies, the collision is harsh to your ship and loose for your bullets.

The game’s best bit; it even chooses “no” for you.

I hate myself for trying this game again when I could have spent the time, more productively, slamming my nuts in a door.

Never I felt such woe when collecting an extra life.
Don’t even try it for curiosity.
Seriously.
Don’t.

Why am I quite so bitter?
Because, when coins were few and the Megadrive was new, I purchased this at a London computer show for £36. On returning with my friends, they started laughing at the game and me. 22½ years later they haven’t stopped. One of them is Sunteam Paul. It OK though, when the laughing makes him short of breath we can briefly talk.

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Laura Robson – Hot Streak

Tags

Kim Clijsters, Laura robson, tennis, US Open, Wimbledon

A little over four years ago I watched Laura Robson’s final three victories that she needed before lifting the Wimbledon Junior title. She was fourteen; she was the youngest in the draw. She impressed all with a big game – a strong leftie serve, and a powerful forehand that she’d often run around – much like a certain Steffi Graf. I could never hit my own backhand with any venom, and this trait was one I liked about Steffi, factor in that I’m left-handed and English – I liked Laura immediately.

There was quite a lot of hype around her; people talking big, people saying we should be patient, people saying she’d fail like all other Brits. I was full-on mad. I figured she had a chance of being the best British female for some time. I did acknowledge that it would take time.  So I watched, and I waited. I loved it when she played Hopman Cup with Andy Murray.

Her next big (huge) moment was the Olympic Silver Medal, in mixed doubles, with Andy Murray. I hoped that their time together in the Hopman Cup would help them, as the rapport between double-players in tennis is very important. It certainly can’t have hurt as they defied the odds together round after round, beating more experienced players and losing out in the final by the smallest of margins. Laura did make a few mistakes at crucial times, and appeared upset with herself – understandable as in any team game you feel you’ve let others down and not just yourself as in singles. 
In round one of the US Open 2012, Laura Robson had the unusual task of playing someone younger than she was. She won, predictably enough, against the lower ranked player – after all “Robbo” is the youngest player in the WTA top 100. Round two she faced Kim Clijsters. Kim Clijsters who was awesome in round one thumping an impressively aggressive young American named Duval (remember her name).

Kim, you should know, has been playing well. She has beaten plenty of good players this year. However, two recent losses were what I would call unexpected: two close sets against Yanina Wickmayer, and a 6-1 6-1 thrashing by Angelique Kerber.  Laura clearly has no chance, I surmised. I thought she could, and would, give Kim a scare but her game (usually) features too many unforced errors for her to beat someone as seasoned and high class as Kim. Unless Kim plays badly, I hoped. Seldom am I as happy to be wrong!

In each set, Laura had to fight back from a break down. In each set Kim’s retrieval skills were jaw-dropping. In each set Laura won the majority of games that went to deuce … a statistic that Sam Smith says she considers to be vital; and she is a very astute commentator. Laura saved 3 sets points late in the second set. One of these was caused by a smash. Robbo had already won the point (against mortals) three times; Kim though, had other ideas and hit up an OK defensive lob when well out of court. Laura hopelessly miss-timed it and the ball crashed into the bottom of the net – to much hilarity on Twitter. To Laura’s immense credit, she dipped her head briefly but showed no other signs of the discontent she must have felt. She won the next three points and forced the tie-break. That was a moment of maturity beyond her years; it’s not only winning shots that tell you how good a player is – to be able to cope with disappointment is essential.

So Laura won the second set tie-break too, and now faces Li Na (in great form) in the 3^rd round. Can she win that? Well, yes – providing she can play to that level again. One of the hardest things for young players is to be consistent at the highest level; one great scalp is not enough. I know she could win, but no-one yet knows if she will.

A crazy stat that will never change: Laura vs Kim — Head to Head.
“Laura Robson is in full control … of my breathing.”

SQL – Looping and Listing

Tags

Curosr, For Loop, Get Columns, Get Tables, SQL, SQL Server 2008, While Loop

I have done a fair bit of programming, but not a lot of SQL. This new code, discovered today with the help of my colleague, does two very useful things:

1. How to list all tables and columns in a database (emphasised),
2. Looping through a results set for processing.

I’ve seen a few examples of this type of code, and there has nearly always been something wrong. The great thing here is that, assuming you’re using SQL Server 2008, it will work with any and every database you have.

I am told that to “DEALLOCATE” your cursor is very important.

DECLARE @aTable nVarChar(100);
DECLARE @aColumn nVarChar(100);
DECLARE ResultList CURSOR FOR
  SELECT o.name,c.name FROM sys.columns c
    INNER JOIN sys.objects o ON c.object_id=o.object_id  
  ORDER BY o.name,c.column_id
OPEN ResultList
  FETCH NEXT FROM ResultList INTO @aTable, @aColumn
  WHILE (@@fetch_status <> -1)      
  BEGIN
    PRINT 'Table & Column :: '+@aTable+' -> '+@aColumn
    FETCH NEXT FROM ResultList INTO @aTable, @aColumn
  END
CLOSE ResultList
DEALLOCATE ResultList

I hope this helps somebody!

CSS Browser Hacks – A Different Way

Tags

android, apple, browser, chrome, css, dom, firefox, hacks, htc, html, html5, ie10, ie8, ie9, javascript, linux, mac, mozilla, msie, opera, smart phone, tablet, windows

Anyone who has ever done any web-page development by themselves will probably have spent some time swearing at Microsoft’s Internet Explorer. If they haven’t, then they developed on that browser, and then swore at the others.

Problems are spread across HTML, Javascript and CSS. The neatest, most convenient way to resolve this problem varies according to the task, time and skill of those involved; there is not one single best solution. However, due to some very irritating problems with line heights and fixed width font sizes, I discovered a new (to me) method for tacking CSS issues. That is what I will share with you now.

I wanted to create a page with live cricket scores which closely resembled old-school analogue TV “teletext” (or ceefax) used in the UK. Fear not, this blog isn’t about cricket, it is about fixed-width fonts and browser issues. Now, to understand my problems, please take 5 seconds to observe my page: http://www.birdfolk.co.uk/cricalltv.php

The problem was that I wanted to fill, as completely as possible, the “TV screens” with text. Now each o/s, and each browser, can have different fixed-width fonts and the way they render them doesn’t appear to be as consistent as with other fonts. The default CSS style I use has this font information:

#CONTAIN { font: bold 14px/0.85em "Courier",
          "Lucida Console", "DejaVu Sans Mono", "Monaco"; }

It displays perfectly in Firefox, but is a bit too big in Chrome, IE is WAY too large, as it is on my Android phone (HTC Desire). In Javascript we can perform nice simple tests in the “navigator.appVersion” property. I used the following code to make the font a little bigger for Chrome:

if(navigator.appVersion.indexOf('Chrome')>=0)
     document.styleSheets[0].insertRule("#CONTAIN { line-height:0.9em; }", 0);

For M$’s Internet Explorer, I needed to add three rules, the “addRule” command is different, but that doesn’t matter because we’ve already done a check for IE:

if(navigator.appVersion.indexOf('MSIE')>=0)
{
  document.styleSheets[0].addRule("#CONTAIN", "font-size: 13px;");
  document.styleSheets[0].addRule("#CONTAIN", "line-height:0.95em;");
  document.styleSheets[0].addRule(".TopPad", "padding-top: 4px;");
}

I can even ensure that is works nicely on my phone:

if(navigator.appVersion.indexOf('HTC Desire')>=0)
   document.styleSheets[0].insertRule("#CONTAIN { font-size: 13px; }", 0);

And this was a guess in case other Android devices are be similar:

else if(navigator.appVersion.indexOf('Android')>=0)
   document.styleSheets[0].insertRule("#CONTAIN { font-size: 13px; }", 0);

So people, please use this code if it suits your needs and feel free to leave any version feedback or compatibility issues below. Thanks for your time.

Ghouls and Ghosts VS

Tags

Capcom, Genesis, Ghosts, Ghouls, Goblins, Megadrive, Retro, Super Grafx

Ghouls’n’Ghosts – Megadrive VS Super Grafx

We’ve all heard that Super Grafx verison (on a 1024Kb card) has superior graphics and that the Megadrive version (on a 640kb card) has better sound. But let us check out the graphics in more detail and see how they play. Below the Megadrive (MD) screen shot is on the left, and the Super Grafx (SG) is on the right. The TV in the middle annoyed me, so you can share my mild pain.
(If the pictures are too small, please try the old HTML version of this page!)

LEVEL 1 – The Rain

Much better background tree movement on the SG, the rain looks better in screen shots on the MD version, but it mainly flickers on and off, whereas the SG version falls more like rain does. The trees are more detailed on the SG. Oh, even the grass moves in the SG version, a lovely touch.

LEVEL 1 – Rocks and Firey Things

Shots like this really make the MD version look shamefully lazy; next to no detail on the floors and walls. Awful really … one must consider the memory size limitation on the MD cart, and that it was released very early in the life of the MD. Not an excuse; maybe an explanation.

LEVEL 1 – Spear Pigs

The pigs themselves are pretty much identical, but the inferior detail in the background of MD version sticks out like two sore thumbs.

LEVEL 1 – The Boss

The SG version boss kind of smokes into life, the MD one arrives fully assembled. The MD boss has more shades of colour, but both are big, bold, and bloody dangerous. Again there is evidence of background sparcity on the MD.

LEVEL 2 – The Windmills

Level 2 contains the same old story, I’m afraid. The MD sprites are easily the equal to those on the SG, but the wind-mills look like they’ve been cut out of cardboard and stuck on by a 3 year old. The smoke is nicely animated on the SG version too (missing on the MD) and the floor is nicely detailed; the blue splodge on the MD version looks like a pile of rocks. I really didn’t realise just how inferior the background details were. The sound is actually very good on the SG on this level.

FINAL THOUGHTS

For me, playability was identical – fantastic on both. I’m surprised by how much better the details are on the SG, and I think that the difference in sound quality is far smaller and easier to cope with than the graphical blunders of the MD. However, none of that matters unless I can get more than 3 continues on the SG! It is a fantastic game, but totally unforgiving – even when you’ve played it a lot! Just be sure to have one verion, and if you’re lucky enough to have a Super Grafx, you’d better get that one. Megadrive owners needn’t grieve though, they’ll get to see much more of the game with all of those continues!

Kevin Pietersen

Tags

Brutal, Flawed, Fly-Slip, Genius, Hero, Legend, Maniac, Muppet, Skunk, Switch-Hit, Tool, Uppish

He’s a difficult chap, Mr Pietersen. Let me explain where I’m coming from. When I first saw him rack up a few scores on Teletext, for Nottinghamshire, some 12 years ago, I thought I’d better check him out. I logged on the Cricinfo (yes, it was alive all those years ago) and I viewed his profile. Aw! Shame, he’s a South African – that side appears to have another young star in the making.

Months pass and I enviously see him pile on the runs with a first class average of over 50. Scoring rates and match reports make him one of my favourite overseas players. Then, if memory serves, Kevin reported of his childhood ambition to play for England. This puzzled me, but I took it as red, as I’d known a South African who’d long wanted to move to England, and I assumed it may not be that rare … after all, there are well-documented troubled spots in that country. That’s not for discussion here, but it explains how I was able to believe him.

Next came the wait. The wait until he was qualified to play for England. He’d be about 24 by then. I watched on as, eventually, he and Ian Bell featured in a notable number of sizeable partnerships for England A – soon for England “proper” I thought.

2005. Bangladesh were touring England, followed by Australia. Obviously England would try a couple of new players against The Tigers, providing form wasn’t a problem for the regulars. England sort of did; Bell played, but not KP. Bell averaged about 2000 and Graeme Thorpe something similar. England won. Then came the Oz.

For some reason the final XI came down to a choice between Graeme Thorpe, in form though near the end of his extremely good international career, or the young, brash, and untried, Kevin Pietersen. You know by now who the selectors chose.

In the first test, a low scoring affair, Harmison gave Punter a scar and picked up 5-43, and Australia were 190ao. Australia’s most frequent kill-joy wasn’t bothered though. McGrath took 5 early wickets, and left England 21-5. Kevin was in no mood to spoil his début however, and smoked 2 sixes on the way to 57, and England’s top score of the innings.

Australia batted properly in their 2nd innings, scored 384, and set England a laughable total of 420 to win. McGrath, still steaming for some reason, took 4-29, but KP was cross too. He thwacked another 2 sixes on his way to 64 not out from 79 balls. Not a bad début, against an attack featuring two bowlers from the top 5 that the entire history of cricket has offered us – Glenn McGrath, and Shane Warne.

By the 5th game, Marcus “Marvellous” Trescothick had scored the most runs for England leaving KP second, and he wasn’t happy; he thrashed his way to 158 at the Oval to seal the draw for that test, and the Ashes for England. Impressive.

In his first ODI series in South Africa, he hit three hundreds, bringing up one with a six off the last ball of the innings from ~70 balls; to this day England’s quickest ODI ton. As you can imagine, I was a big, big fan and talked about him a lot. I loved his “uncoached” style and attacking approach. I was very glad he wasn’t a “real” South African.

Various highs and lows followed these overly dramatic events, as one would expect from any gifted and exciting cricketer. Then came Peter Moores. Immediately I didn’t like him. No real reason, that kind of thing can just happen. Frequently though, Moores did  annoy me at press conferences, speaking like a politician; words came pouring out, but he said nothing.  Anyhow, I was delighted when Big Kev took a stand against him which ultimately let to the removal of Moores and the promotion of Andy Flower. Mind you, having said what I have about Moores, he did have the judgement of character to employ Flower as his right-hand man. Kudos for that, at least!

Then there was the captaincy, which I thought was a great idea. It will force him to be more responsible. Be the making of him, it will. Turn him into a real great. I was sure he had a good cricket brain (I’d occasionally hear about how shots, like the switch-hit, were carefully considered and how it is hard, hard practice that makes it all look so effortless).

Well, I was wrong about the captaincy effect! Form that point on, things haven’t been smooth sailing for him. He’s loved the IPL and clearly wants to play more of it, but is accused of being greedy and selfish etc. How many people accused Flintoff of being selfish and greedy when he nipped off to Dubai in order to pay less tax? I hope you did.

I don’t think KP has ever failed to try his best. Sure he has often got out while playing a dumb, or ill-conceived, shot but is that any worse than watching Ian Bell get clean-bowled while playing a “perfect” forward defensive?

KP is a joy to watch when he is batting well. Of that there is no doubt. Unless, perhaps, you’re 22 yards away. To see him miss a game (at least this one) for reasons like these, is crazy and sad. Has he made mistakes? Yes. Has he been childish? Yes. Does he regret it? Yes. Is he alone in all this mistake-making? No. Obviously.

And also less obviously. He sent “provocative” but private messages to his close friends. These message somehow “got out”. That is not KP’s fault – other than perhaps an error of judgement regarding who his real friends are. Pat yourself on the back if that’s a mistake you’ve never made.

It may strike you as odd, but KP is human. Massively so. His childlike enjoyment of hitting sixes and fours, his love for IPL, and big crowds, show us one side of his character. The side we don’t see, unless we really pay attention, is that of the dedicated sports professional who practices hard, and even thinks long and hard about the game he loves. Also, there is another area of his life in which he appears to be unexpectedly mature. He has a gorgeous pop-star wife and, so far as I know, there hasn’t been much talk of his personal life or of any problems within. Well played on that score too Kevin – many, many others have been much more childish in that regard.

As I write this now, the strength of my opinion is changing, I find myself more sympathetic. A twitter friend, Lexi, summed him up very nicely: “He just shoots  himself in the foot. I think he just wants to be loved but has no idea how to go about it“. I’m also certain he tries too hard at times, it makes me wonder who his advisers are (I hope they are not any type of professional) and why he listens to them. Everyone assumes he has them, I wonder now, is he just naive?

Now, having sent these messages, and possibly accused his team-mates of going too far with jokes, he can’t feel very welcome. He didn’t even play for Surrey this week – I guess he’d rather have only the ball as his enemy.

Yes, he has been something of a fool, but we’ve all made mistakes – and now his employers, his team-mates, and his old school friends (the South African team) all appear to be trying to exclude him. You know, it might actually be tough being Kevin Pietersen, but I’d sure love his talent and I hope we see him using it again soon.

Jarka the Hotter

Tags

gorgeous, lovely, tennis

Last night I woke up with back pain. It’s a new special type of pain – think of nicely buttered scones, then stick that blunt knife in your back, just below your shoulder blade, twist. Works perfectly, assuming you desire consistently poor sleep.

I went downstairs, switched on my laptop, and logged into twitter. Shortly after I had begun reading tweets, a new one from Jarmila Gajdosova popped up:

“Ok guys in the car on my way to the hotel. since I have about 45 min I can talk to you! so ask me whatever you guys want I am here for you :)”

Now this sort of thing is not rare on twitter. Two points usually arrive in my mind:
(1) What can I ask that is a little different?
(2) It doesn’t really matter, they don’t reply to me.

To my shock, Jarka answered more than one of my daft questions. Consequently I have a new tennis crush. Here, in full, is the tiny conversation:

Me: Do Olympic shot-putters scare you?
JG: no 🙂
Me: What does scare you? Anything? 🙂
JG: snakes, spiders, any bugs, bad plane trips and scary movies!!…
Me: Wow, glad cars are OK!

Me: Why can’t lady pole-vaulters go as high as the men? I really have no idea.
JG: no idea sorry

Me: Did you ever play Pokémon?
JG: no I didn’t I just never got along with pikachu or how you spell it!!
Me: hehe, no worries and spelling is perfect.
Me: Thanks for your time, I’d better go to bed now, it’s after 2am. Only up because of back-pain, but you’ve helped 😉 Take care!
Me: Can’t tear myself away … who’s your favourite Aussie? (Not family!)
JG: as athlete or?
Me: anyone at all!
JG: all my fellow Aussie Olympians! they are all awesome and I been honoured to meet them !! hope to see them all again soon
Me: great answer!
Me: (one of my top Aussies has to be Lleyton Hewitt .. didn’t like him at first (I’m a pom) but his tenacity wore me down!)

So why is Jarka nice? Is she riding a wave of success?  Sadly not, she has struggled a bit this year. Has she lost heart? No! A public tweet from her:
JG: Should I get it or shouldn’t I get it?! 🙂 is it true or isn’t it?! 🙂 pic.twitter.com/tZYqtz4P
 (Yes! It is true!)

So, tennis fans, please support this lovely girl, the WTA benefits hugely from great characters like Jarka!

Totally Recoiled

Tags

Arnie, Colin Farell, Douglas Quaid, Eroticon 6, Kate Beckensale, Mars, Rekall, Sharon Stone, Total Recall

When I was 17 Total Recall (starring Arnie) was the first “18” movie I saw at the cinema. I was already a sci-fi junkie and I blown away. I saw it three times inside a week. It started my crush on Sharon Stone .. way before everyone else did with that nasty Basic Instinct.

Now I have a crush on Kate Beckensale, but I was still furious when I heard that they were remaking one of my favourite movies. Movie remakes are OK, providing there’s a reason.

With King Kong there was a great reason … now they could make one that actually looked good. And, within reason, it was great. Nice job.

What reason is there for remaking Total Recall? Er … not any good ones … greed, lack of  original ideas (or inability to read other stories), erm .. OK, not even many of those.

The first movie even has a great sound track, I have no clue about the remake. Obviously I’ll hate it. And the movie itself, from what I’ve heard. There are some movies that should be left alone, and this is one of them. A sequel, I could have understood, but not this. I only hope I’m strong enough never to watch it – I’ve still not seen Highlander 2 so there is hope.

I had not yet read the Philip K Dick book “We can Remember it for you Wholesale” but I had read some of his other works: Bladerunner (Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep), and The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldrich.

Shut the up … Rankings Do Not Lie

New ODI rankings were updated to today, and tiny fractions of numbers meant that England emerged on top. My twitter time-line exploded with a wild mixture of hate, resentment, jealousy, disbelief, disdain, and most other types of negativity one could imagine.

Even England fans aren’t happy. Rankings are rubbish, they don’t show who is truly the best side, England lost to India, blah, blah, blah. OK, for starters, rankings were never meant to show who is the “best” side. That is utterly subjective and takes into account things like flair, character, nationality, and attractive stroke play.

Rankings say one thing only: which team has been the most successful over a period of time. Success is calculated, coldly, by a mathematical procedure that awards more points for away wins than home wins, and against “tougher” opposition. I hope to check the recent maths when next I am mentally agile enough.

In conclusion: over the last two years, England have gained more “ranking points” than the other teams. Nothing more, nothing less. Fact. Stick that up your nose and blow.

ICC Test Rankings:

 

Murray’s Gold is Pointless

What does the Olympics win mean for Murray?

I have this feeling that people, who are not obsessive tennis fans, do not fully appreciate the huge significance of Andy Murray’s gold medal win.

Federer is widely regarded as the best tennis player ever.
Federer is widely regarded as the best grass-court player ever.
Federer has won 17 Grand Slams – more than anyone else, ever.
Federer has beaten Murray in 9 out of 10 Grand Slam final sets played (over 3 five set matches).
Murray beat Federer 3 sets to 0.
Murray beat Federer on grass, 3 sets to none.
Murray beat Federer as Wimbledon, three sets to zero.
Murray beat Federer three zip (over five sets) without losing his serve once.

This win has answered many of Murray’s critics. I know it isn’t a Grand Slam, but Federer was DESPERATE to win. He has won every other tournament, of significance, on the planet. He has won doubles gold at the Olympics, and back then he stated how much he’d like the singles medal. He fought like a man possessed to beat the Giant Argentine 19-17 in the 3rd set. Two years ago Juan Martin Del Potro beat Federer from 2 sets to 1 down at the US Open final. The guy is a serious player, and to prove just that, he beat a slightly demoralised Djokovic (Murray’s semi-final victim) for the bronze medal.

Furthermore, Federer hasn’t lost a 5 set match to Murray. Certainly not at Grand Slam level, and “double-certainly” not at Wimbledon – his second home. Federer doesn’t like Murray, he is normally a very decent man, so when he chose to publicly criticise Murray (a while back) people took note. In short, Federer didn’t like Murray’s defensive game because it worked well against him. At one stage Murray lead their head-to-head 6-2. After that, Federer went on the attack – supremely. He reeled off several crushing wins against Andy, including one utter thrashing in a Grand Slam final.  Needless to say, he would not just “hand over” this gold medal to Andy.

Murray now leads their head-to-head 9-8.

It was a proper thrashing, and as such I believe it will be a massive boost to Murray’s mental state regarding “big” matches. Some people are making him favourite for the US Open. I am now one of them, but I bet it won’t be without drama. Read carefully what some, very knowledgeable, people have said about him:

Henman: “For Murray to win a best-of-five sets gold medal match against the greatest player that’s ever lived is just amazing”

Wilander: “It has to be a huge stepping stone in terms of confidence. We all know that, physically, Andy Murray is a specimen. He is stronger and fitter than any other player. If he takes the ball as early as he did today, he’s also got more variation in his game than any other player. We all knew that, but he had to improve on the mental side. Today, he perfected a game plan and then executed it to perfection.”

Croft: “I wouldn’t say he’s got more talent than Federer, but he definitely seems more talented than Djokovic. He can do more with his hands. And as for Nadal, he’s certainly lost ground having been off the tour for so long.”